that devours us inside

rote anxiety and fear

our self mutilated tears

consequences defied,

dulled and then denied

“truth” full of affectation

then shun all correction.

A glimmer or a gleam

a simple twinkle in a dream

a change in composition

then transforms damnation.

the simple gleaning that we see

sighs longingly for beauty

my affections! affectations!

begin to bear all relation

to light to love to learn

nothing  else of any concern

Placing all that we must purge

for these profound reminders

will never leave us and will stay to embolden, to reassure, and to love you, no matter where you go.

FiCB’s reading it for the summer… so I’m happy for them.

The black ring revolves around my ring finger with the help of my subservient hand. It is a darkness without depth, only in guise.

The cut at the base of my left thumb, slightly pink, a mere paper cut that whispers mortality.

This black jacket, with black buttons painted white, but frayed enough to expose its true colors.

I but have to wonder at the emptiness. Why communication, waves of the spirit resonating through space and time and my garbled white (if not black) noise reaching no higher than a giant flea-like leap, why communication as something so grand and so incomprehensible, could be so difficult.

I feel cheated. I feel cheated. Because even this I already know is somehow going to lead me back to communicating with you and knowing you better than we’ve ever had before. I’d learn to hear, I’d learn to speak, and this is only going to get better. But right now, I feel cheated.

I’ve forgotten what this all about and what this all is meant for.  Communicating love.

I want to go back to the old letters, I want to have right now the communication, to the love we once had, I want it to be what it was before, and just jump to it. Don’t want to start off at step one. Don’t want to start all over again. But that’s why it worked then. It’s a built relationship, it’s a process.

So I close my eyes and I listen. And I let the whispers seep from my soul.

Christians are those who recognize their spiritual bankruptcy before God, their utter lack of goodness, not simply their inability to do good, but that they are completely sinful before him. In recognizing and declaring their lack of true life, their complete lack of good, God gives them the kingdom of heaven.

Blessed are those who mourn, for they shall be comforted.

Christians don’t simply recognize their spiritual bankruptcy before God, it overwhelms them. Their sinfulness and the knowledge of God goodness yet their persistent rebellion against him agonizes them, their inability to submit to God, the complete failure of their lives causes them to deeply mourn for their condition, mourn because of God’s own sorrow, and mourn because of the horrid condition of mankind. But God himself comforts them. Despite the fact that created this mess for themselves, a perfect God intervenes and involves himself in the mess. He comforts them by letting them know he cares, he loves them, and offers Christ to comfort them.

Blessed are the meek, for they shall inherit the earth.

God’s compassion in Christ and in his willing involvement into man’s mess, floors the Christian. That God would die for man reveals to the Christian that he was far more sinful than he’d ever dared believe, yet at the same time magnifies the great mercy and love of the Father. Both mercy and grace humbles the Christian to the ground. This humility and awe of God’s prepares him to inherit the earth. What Adam and Eve lacked God gives to the Christian, and puts the earth once again under their care.

Blessed are those who hunger and thirst for righteousness, for they shall be satisfied.

The humbled and meek recognize their lack before God but find that they need something positive before him, that in their brokenness, they need to be made right before God. They hunger and thirst to be right before God, to be righteous or holy as God is holy. They cannot rest until they find their righteousness, and God gives them his rest in Christ. Their lack is completely fulfilled in the righteousness of Christ. They are here justified. Even when they recognize further sin in their own lives, that they yet lack righteousness, they know to return back to Christ, who overflows with righteousness, thus being sanctified.

Blessed are the merciful, for they shall receive mercy.

The Christian’s righteousness was given to them freely. It was an act of mercy that gave them their righteousness, it was not earned. Not merely was the Christian saved from utter spiritual poverty, he’s given the abundant wealth of Christ’s righteousness. Mercy and grace to its fullest. He knows that the mercy he’s received is far greater than any offense against him, and by response forgives any wrong against him. In reciprocating to others the mercy he’s received, God in turn blesses him with even more mercy, which causes the Christian to be all the more merciful.

Blessed are the pure in heart, for they shall see God.

The Christian when merciful is single-minded, is pure in heart. God’s mercy, the gospel of Christ overwhelms all of his actions and his thoughts. His standard of love is no longer based off of his own sense of justice, but by the radical justice of God that is overflowing with grace towards even his enemies. The undivided heart is the same as God’s undivided heart, which is a passion for his own glory. The pure in heart see God eye to eye, face to face, because the pure in heart are those who have God’s heart. He reveals to them his plans, his purposes, his joy, because the Christian is in one heart with God.

Blessed are the peacemakers, for they shall be called sons of God.

When the Christian sees God, he sees and knows that God is most glorified by the gospel, by Christ’s work on the cross. The gospel is the good news of God making peace with man, creating a harmonious, bountiful, amazing relationship with him. Christ was the ultimate peacemaker because his life’s work was to reconcile man to God. The Christian who knows God’s heart, and sees him face to face, is also a peacemaker, actively looking to reconcile man to God by proclaiming the God’s reconciling work on the cross. In so doing the Christian exemplifies the life of Christ, and follows in his obedience, and in so doing is living in this world as Christ did, and called a child of God, a co-heir with Christ.

Blessed are those who are persecuted for righteousness’ sake, for theirs is the kingdom of heaven.

As the Christian proclaims the reconciling work of Christ, it condemns the world, causing people to persecute them. They are no longer citizens of this world, their value system is completely different, they have become anomalies in the world. The world is no longer worthy of them. To the Christian persecution is joy. 1) It reveals that they are living out their Christian life is God had intended for them to. 2) They get to live in the footsteps of Christ, and share in his sufferings. 3) Theirs is the kingdom of heaven.

Messed up nails. Burnt pots. Trim them off. Rub/scrub them over with half cut limes.

I want to go back and change everything. I can’t understand why I want to do it so badly. I’d gladly give up everything else I’m doing if I can get a chance to go back to fix things to the way they were supposed to be. It’s like… or I often thought of it like a relationship that was going so well but ended up being broken apart against our will and then seeing how poorly everything worked out, and just wanted to go back and make everything better again.

I sincerely believe I can. It would be fairly simple. A lot of hard work for sure but pretty straight forward. It would be good.

But I figure if I’m being too naive. There’s too many things against it. Too many unknown obstacles. Things haven’t really changed, have they? Have they?

So what can I do but pray? To lay down my own wants and desires, give them up, and trust. Listen intently, follow intently, let my wish dream die, and let God’s will be done. His good and perfect will.

As for me. I need to seek. Obey, and take care of the task that I know is before me. Take heart. Take courage. Do not be discouraged. The joy of the Lord is your strength.

‘Jonathan Edwards and the Crucial Importance of Revival’, The Puritans, Martyn Lloyd-Jones.

It was difficult wrestling down this one guy who somehow had three arms, trying to get him to not leave with this info against me. And I tried so hard.

As I lay in sofa just trying to make sense of it. It was fairly obvious. That there were issues in my life that I wanted to badly to hide and was scared that people would find out about. But how it’s just becoming too big of an issue for me to really deal with.

And I would usually pray. Reminding myself despite my financial issues, or personal issues, that God is bigger than all of that. I needed to be trained to be weened off of those concerns, or that my God is far greater than those problems, and if he wanted to could immediately resolve them from his vast treasury.

But I’ve been missing something crucial, and it dawned on me, that God loves me. I just had this perception of God, that he loves me but he’d rather discipline me and train me rather than care for me, that’s what real love is. But that’s a part of real love, another part of it is that God wants to help us in our troubles, will go to great lengths to help us, and will help out those who trust in him and come before him as they are, not trusting in themselves, but trusting in a perfectly just and merciful and deeply compassionate God.

So when I think about the problems that I face, I’ll be overwhelmed. I look at my own spiritual life and see how lacking it is. I look at my physical life and see how lacking it is. And recognize that my life is full of lack, full of sin, full of selfishness, and that is simply who I am. But God’s life is full of fullness, full of righteousness, full of love, and that is simply who he is.

And it captivates me that this is my Father, who did not spare himself any cost to save me. With man this is impossible, but with God all things are possible. All things are possible through him who gives me strength.

And seriously, the work of Christ is amazing beyond all comprehension of amazement. Glory Glory Glory. Our lives are full of his glory.